Angel and April grew up in an educated upper middle class family. They were sisters and had a brother Sam. Sam was always given more preference in every aspect. One look at the family and no one could tell that there was gender discrimination, as all the kids went to the same expensive school and looked healthy and well kept. The family lived in a two-bedroom apartment in a posh locality. The parents occupied one bedroom and the three children were given a separate room for themselves. Sam being much older than the girls reached puberty and was aware of the difference between his body and his sister’s body, he had also heard of sex at school from his older friends. He soon began to explore out of curiosity and started touching his sisters inappropriately. He eventually got addicted to the excitement that came from touching them and it became a regular nightmare for the girls. He soon started threatening his sisters to be silent and that the parents would never believe them as they loved him more. He was the apple of their eye, their only son. As time passed he grew more aggressive and eventually raped one of the sisters while she was still in her early teens. Today the sister who was raped had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia and the other sister has sworn to a life of celibacy.
The impact of abuse on the psyche of a child can be devastating and not to mention longstanding, sometimes even manifesting as Schizopheria. Abuse is not easy to solve, and if we are able to resolve these issues early in a child, it can prevent a number of related ailments.
How we treat and think of abuse
My heart feels very heavy and sad when I hear news after news of children and adults being abused. It is as if growing up is not safe. Living without abuse of some kind is like saying that I did not experience life. Hearing the news that even a few days old babies to mature ninety year olds can get touched and can be used as a sex object repulses my senses. Why are we so unsafe in this so-called safe and beautiful world? This topic seems to disturb our senses and is more virulent in our society than any other widespread disease in the world. It seems to leave people feeling helpless and in the state of disbelief. They even call it their private affair! Yes abuse is the private affair. (Read: Dealing with child sex abuse – the legal options)
I read through many stories and literature about positive thinking, that everything is happening for a reason and that nothing is happening by accident. If that is true then what is the reason abuse is not only happening, but also justified? Do we have to react to this only when it happens to us or happens to someone close to us? How many children will have to be sacrificed before we stop dumping this responsibility on the Government, GOD, Police or someone else. When will we take responsibility and stop expecting our loved ones to react to what we are feeling. Isn’t this ‘Enough of blame game’.
Steve jobs said, ‘For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something’. So I would like to ask the readers, ‘if today was the last day of your life and you really wanted to make a difference in your life would you, today, break your silence and talk about this topic openly’?
- Would you deal with your neighbor differently who does not know how to treat his child.
- Would you discipline your child without slapping and being rude to him?
- Would you deal with your anger?
- Would you display your frustration and anger differently or will you continue to display your anger by making your loved ones your punching bag?
- Would you live your life differently?
If the answer to even one of the questions is yes then please continue reading…
We are taught to show perfection outside and hide the ugliness inside. Intact they say if you are feeling sad, dress well that day, put your best foot forward, move with confidence. In fact NLP masters will tell you put your chest out and stand with your head high for few minutes then you can psyche yourself out to feel better inside. Do we have to psyche ourselves out to deal with our unpleasant emotions? Author of positive thinking, Dave R Hamilton teaches us a miracle dance to make our frontal brain believe and deal with unpleasant emotion. Again psyche ourselves into the thought that ‘all is well’. (Read: Life after child sex abuse)
Let us begin with understanding abuse. As a counselor when I speak to clients they are often confused about the subject of abuse. Abuse has become such a regular phenomena for both men and women that many a times people do not even consider it as abuse but an ugly event, a secret that they went through and must keep secret. So lets first understand what really is abuse. If we break the word abuse, into ‘Ab’ and ‘use’ then ‘Ab’ is about and ‘use’ is all about being used in a way that is not acceptable to you. Abuse is of various kinds — emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse and sexual abuse. Any kind of abuse is generally dealt with in silence. (Read: What to do when your child has been sexually abused?)
Some examples of unacceptable behaviors may be; you may not want your father, others to talk harshly to your mom, or you may want your children to respect your existence. Today we find people throwing very qualified people out of jobs, there seems to be no security in life. You may want to be respected and trusted in your work place. You may be offended by the politics that you face at work and home place. Politics, corruption and abuse seem to go hand in hand. (Read: How to prevent child sex abuse – tips for parents)
Personally I’ve been trying to get over the sexual abuse I went through as a child at six years of age. Today after resolving my own issues, I am fearless and have the courage to break my silence and speak up for others and myself. I hold no anger against anyone rather I have a massive learning to move ahead in life and help others too.
My effort to speak on this topic is to help someone like me and empower them tackle the root cause and it’s effects and make their life blossom. This social virus called abuse can strike anyone, anytime irrespective of class, caste, creed, sex, personality and nationality. ‘Feeling of shame’ is the very big reason that these cases go unreported and causes silence, secrecy and misjudgment. Abuse is a ‘ silent killer’. This is precursor to many health issues e.g. bipolar disorder, Parkinson’s disease, polycystic ovaries, obesity, thyroid disorders, endometriosis, pimples, infertility, skin issues, and the list goes on.
The process of healing consists of three ‘A’ s
- Awareness
- Acceptance
- Action
At each stage a lot of sensitivity is required from the society and loved ones.
Awareness: Awareness means the realization of the gravity of the situation regarding:
- What is abuse?
- Who can be abused?
- How does an abuser look and behave?
- How does a victim behave?
- How can we make her/him safe?
Who can she/he seek help from?
Most of you will tell me that you are aware of what abuse is. So my question is ‘What have you done about it?’ Have you really shut the doors to this topic, burnt candles after a victim comes into media attention and believe that you are contributing to sorting out this issue? Think again. Here’s how you can handle the abuse and the trauma that comes with it.
Acceptance: Acceptance means to take responsibility to tackle problem. This comprises of making:
- Chances
- Choices
- Changes
This cannot happen till the victim and his/her family gets answers about why he/she went through abuse and answer a few tough yet relevant questions like
- What was her/his fault?
- What made him/her create this story in their life?
- Am I a bad child?
- Do I deserve punishment?
- Was it past life karma?
Action: Means the process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim, which needs:
- Courage
- Compassion
- Connection
The question we need to ask ourselves today is ‘Is it a co-incidence that less than 100 years ago girls married at the age of 12 years today girls less then 12 years of age are getting abducted raped and sold for flesh trade. Have things really changed’?
The pain in my heart is like slow fire, It’s like the wood burning slowly, News of abuse is like someone blowing on this slow burning wood, Hiding under the hood the fire neither burns the wood fully neither does the fire die, just burning slowly and slowly, Ashes falling, spreading and mixing with earth. Don’t let this fire in you die my child, This fire is what will create the change you want. Don’t give up.
Keep going. It’s not important that people understand, It’s important that you understand, Live your dream for no one other than you can see your dream, Make the difference that you want, There are no mistakes in this world so stop thinking if it is right or wrong, Move, just move, Take the first step, others will follow. I am certain the fire that burns you burns many. They just wait for someone to move and show them what to do with this fire, Show them what to do with it. Don’t give up! Keep going. (Read: Time to talk to kids about right and wrong touches)
Photo source: Getty images
